Beach body, chemistry, Dieting, Friends with benefits, Life, No Strings Attached, OKCupid, POF, Relationships, Sex

Looking back

A lot of things kinda happened and a lot of things did not actually happen since summer. I am not quite sure what happened in the summer to be honest. It was all very fuzzy.

I remember having a feeling that I should google somebody’s latest username and voila! It came up on POF. Of course, when I clicked on that link, nothing was to be found. This was in late August or early September. A few weeks later I deleted my OKCupid account. I decided to give new and improved POF a whirl. How do I fit into the now absent married option for relationship status and also, no intimate encounters in the intent section.

I took that as a challenge.

I think of myself as rather creative as far as filling out profile goes. As for relationship status, “not single, not looking” is redundant so I opted for an outright lie – Single. See? Creative.

Not having the in-your-face straight up option of letting people know that you are seeking friend/s with benefits, ticking  “casual dating, no commitment” is a logical choice. Surely those who are elated at not having to deal with openly married people seeking intimate encounters are able to discern… yeah, never mind.

I was fresh out of ideas when I opened my account the second time around on POF. I kept it short. In fact, it was so short it made little sense. But the messages were coming in. I have no idea why. Maybe because this time I lied about my age again (yes, I know but I actually do NOT look my age). I also decided sod it, I am posting my face pics. I replied to very few messages if at all. I filtered out people over 36 years old.

I received a message from someone who is 35. He referenced what I said in my profile regarding the Griswolds and made mention of the characteristics of people who live in our little area. I responded, we chatted over a course of less than a week and he asked if I wanted to meet up. This person covered the basics, seemed legit and most importantly, he wrote in complete sentences. Not only that, he also spells out every word and used paragraphs to break up his thoughts. What more could a girl ask for?

This person’s characteristics, mannerisms and appearance matched his perfectly crafted messages. At a glance, he would appear to be stodgy but nothing could be further from the truth. He was a little bit nervous (so he admitted to me) but after a few sips of Bloody Mary, he was more relaxed. Our conversation flowed and of course I had to tell him I am not actually 36. He thought I was younger than 30ish. He asked me what was my secret (several times). I told him to not eat crap or too much. He appeared amused by my simple answer.

We spent a few hours talking; drinking; dancing and inevitably, my vibrant personality took over. The night ended and morning came on a very high note. I do not remember the last time I had that much fun with a total stranger. It was fun because he was not concerned about spending time talking and doing things that two friends would do.

This scenario is less likely to repeat itself. This is not my fault. It the the fact that he is not actually single (ha!) either. Unlike my lying on POF though, he is in a tricky position is all I can say.

I suppose I could say something interesting happened the past 12 months besides the retarded Hipster. That and the fact I am ending the year once again, dry as the desert. Yeap.

The challenge of dieting for a beach body or any type of body at all is not complete until you embark upon the journey at a time when alcohol flows like it is going out of style. So, do not tell me eating less or stopping your “well-deserved” fat-free, sugar-free & gluten-free confections is difficult. Man up and ditch everything your body does not need in the first place during the holidays at least once in your life and then we will talk.



Friends with benefits, Life, No Strings Attached, priorities, Sex

Over and under it

Winter is finally making it’s exit. Phew. I am so sick to death of it. Winter is depressing. It is grey, it is dull, it is not a happy place. When we used to live in Washington State, it was winter all year round. It was always raining, it was always cloudy, it was exceedingly depressing. Thank goddess we left after a year. I might have been one of those who jumped off the Tacoma Narrows Bridge if I had to live there much longer.

So recently I started talking to this pilot person at the gym. He is bulky. As in muscular bulky. Not very tall. I would guess about 5 foot 11. I walked past him one day while he was moving the preacher curl bench back a few feet. So, I said, “re-decorating?” He looked up, laughed and replied, yes, I don’t want to hurt myself while I clean and jerk. We looked around the newly re-decorated gym and smiled at each other. I made my exit and I rarely saw him again. But whenever we ran into each other, he would nod and smile. I did the same. One day, he waved as I walked in and started talking to me while I was setting up for my French curl because a girl needs triceps to match her biceps, you know? He has this loud, booming voice that carries across the room. Okay, not really, but he attracted the attention of several people across the weight room because he was talking to me rather loudly, as if there was nobody else around. So we talked about the weather – naturally. He hates the cold weather as much as I do. He told me that he got sick once, while he was in Seattle for training. He was there in January, having left Pensacola just hours before. No wonder he got sick. I could truly empathise. Seattle in August is horrific after leaving Sunshine State of Florida. No, I never lived in any part of Florida but I did experience August in Seattle. It was depressingly cold.

The online dating thing is like being trapped in perpetual wintertime. It is depressing. You get a few hits, a number of maybes and then, nothing.

I went back to Fling dot com and have deactivated my OkCupid profile for the past few months. I would re-activate occasionally and it’s the same old faces, the same clueless, flabby persons. I had one very possible on Fling a couple of weeks ago. Something about him is just a bit off, I do not know what. Maybe the fact that he has no hair? Or he used to live down the road from me and have now moved across state lines. So last week sometime, he messaged me on the site and said that he lost his mobile while jumping off a plane. I told him he was a retard. He LOLed. He seemed normal, not pushy. 30-something. I might decide to see him one of these days.

Another person lives about 3 hours away but comes here “often.” I heard that one before on OKCupid and he never materialised. He sent me a message on the site although we had been exchanging SMS for a couple of weeks. So I sent him a link to a youtube video as a response. Fuck it. So this other person on Fling that lives 3 hours away but comes to my area “often” sounds a little bit too much like Ken. I don’t know, just stuff he said. Especially after I said I was going to bed & he said that he wanted to hear from me the next day. I said, I might, he said, “you better.” Right on cue, the next day, he SMS me at 7.55 a.m. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I guess like Mitchelle Gunther said, I should stick to picking people up offline. But unfortunately, the pilot guy at my gym is out of bounds. Rules and all of that stuff. Sigh.

Life, priorities


Of all the most ridiculous shite I heard all week, it’s that Thing II having to make a new year’s resolution for English class. Well, I think she said English class. No, I don’t actually pay attention when my kids are telling me shite. This way, I get to ask them to repeat themselves. In fact, I don’t even pay 100% attention when H is talking. It irk them when I ask them to repeat themselves. I know, it’s part of my charm.

She said that since everybody (well, most of her friends or classmates anyway) said she is (sometimes) less than pleasant, being nicer to people will be her new year’s resolution. I must admit I was speechless so I said nothing. I thought about ranting about this at her but then when I asked her why, she said it was a class assignment so I just went back to being speechless.

Being nicer to people is a good thing. I do concur but being nice to people as part of a stupid resolution at the beginning of a new year isn’t a good thing. The same goes for every damn thing else that people plan to do in the new year. Most people fail and fail badly.

I know, I ranted about this a few years ago but I just need to get this off my chest from time to time. If you read my rant about this subject before, feel free to carry on to a different activity. I don’t mind.

This is the time of year, every year I hear very enthused people go on about embarking on a better life be it eating better foods or more popular in the same vein, working out or exercising. Others vow to rid of toxic people in their lives and whatever else. I am not going to lie, I always wait for these people to fail. Usually, I do not have to wait very long.

Why must people need to wait for a brand new week or worse, new year to do anything to better their own lives is beyond my comprehension. I just do not understand this shite.

Right, start the new year with a clean slate and all that bullshit. Or they MUST wait for a new week. MONDAY is most popular during the rest of the year. If you think about quitting drinking sodas, smoking, start working out, running or what the fuck ever at noon on a Wednesday, why not start the next day? So what it’s fucking Thursday. You will not be struck down because you are sorting out your life towards the end of the week in the middle of the year.

I started a programme to lose fat a couple of years ago in October. Then we had to visit H’s people for Turkey Day in November. So he said to me, I cannot believe you started this shite this time of year. My response – Why? I felt like it. Better I do it NOW when I am enthused about it. Travelling and being on a strict diet is not new. Everybody does it. It did not kill them and it damn sure is not going to kill me. Guess what? I did not die. I suffered some type of hunger but I was not keeling over wishing I was dead because there was nothing for me to eat. I ate around crap I would normally not eat anyway.

If you feel like it, just fucking do it.

Right now? I am not in the mood to do much of anything so I am just not gonna do it.

What I REALLY want to do though, is SLEEP. But I cannot. So I am going to try my damndest to do that. So far, I am failing so very badly.

Yeah, this no-sleep thing occurs every so often it drives me almost bonkers. I am not sure what the fuck this time. Or last time. But I am so over it already.

Maybe I should run laps. Nah. Tried that once when I was a teenager. It was not pleasant. I conked out at 6 a.m. when I was supposed to be running around.

Maybe I should just take a deep breath and Zen.


When in doubt, just Zen

I spent half the day with Thing II on Saturday. We were browsing in the neighbourhood vintage shops. As usual, I was staring at the silver jewelleries because they are always very attractive to me. I was staring also because I could not make out the various charms that were attached to the bracelets that were prominently displayed. One of the ladies in the shop then told me the entire section was devoted to religious icons. So I was staring at charm bracelets with different saints on them. I do not wear, buy nor do I believe in any Christian saints or Christianity in general but where I now reside, people are crazy about their idols. I did not want to be rude by moving away from there so I said, I see. You need to put everybody in there. It makes sense, in case one of them stops listening to you, you have back up! The lady just burst out laughing and she exclaimed, I like her! She is funny!

At that exact moment, I thought about RG who has a great difficulty with the idolatry that is rampant in these parts.

The first time we met, he was rather vocal about the “nonsense” (as he called it) that people around here believe. I can empathise with him but I suppose being older, and having a religion of my own, I can somewhat relate to the enthusiastic Christians and their idols. I have a little more tolerance towards others now but oftentimes, I much rather not talk to people because the insanity of their beliefs that they try to cram down my throat is very unappealing. I don’t even like the very enthused people who share the same religious beliefs that I do.

H’s family was never all that religious but in the past several years, one by one they found god. I am happy for them. My god has always been with me. I never lost him so I never needed to find him. But despite them having found god, they never tried to cram their god in my throat because I think H having found my god when we met sent them a very strong message. I am thankful for that.

At the end of the day, we need to remember this: –

Everybody has a goddamn opinion about something and that’s great. But if only they try to not impose their beliefs upon others, it would be fabulous.

chemistry, Friends with benefits, No Strings Attached, Sex, Stuzz

For Mitchelle Gunther who likes Chemistry.

It has been a year, I am guessing since I last deleted my personal WP blog. Mitchelle Gunther and Prisqua were disappointed that I deleted but they understood. OK, Mitchelle understood I have the need to delete and maybe resurrect but Prisqua just bitched at me. But she is French so she bitches.

So in the past year or so, I met a few people. They were all retarded. Yes, I know. I am not supposed to use the word retarded because it is not PC. Fuck PC.

On a totally different subject:

Much has been talked about regarding the perils of friends with benefits arrangement. I don’t need a 10 Commandments about that. I know what I want, I know how I want it and I also know with whom I want it. The problem is, most people do not understand the ins and outs of it.

First of all, let me clarify. I am not desperate, I am sometimes bored and usually in the mood for a good romp. Just how usual am I in the mood? Let me put it this way. I was in the mood when I was in the middle of a deadlift today. That was very inconvenient. I was also in the mood on my drive to the gym before that and on my drive home. I will spare you how many times I was in the mood since I woke up this morning.

The first thing people assume about me looking for people to give me a good total body workout is that I am dissatisfied with H and that he does not know. That is not true. I just want more and I do not cheat, lie or otherwise deceive the person to whom I have been married the past 21 years. I fucking hate cheats but to each his own.

Second of all, I do have standards when it comes to with whom I want to spend a few hours with, in the exciting moments of the exchanging of bodily fluids.

Person/s also need to be able to keep up with me.

This brings me to:

I know what I want and how I want it. I want mostly unrestrained, almost total abandon sex. Not that I do not ever get it at home but I just enjoy it most of the time.

I know with whom I want it. Now, this is most important. I want it with persons who are not fat, not flabby and practice good nutrition. Also, persons should not be in a weak mental state. As in, someone who is in a bad relationship but staying there, and in need of a therapist, mood-altering pills, or a commitment to the mental institution. No, I do not deal with basket cases. Persons should also not be uptight. Things happen. You laugh. You carry on.

In my post for Stuzz, I mentioned the married men who are looking for casual sex. They are mostly the basket cases with poor nutrition and are beaten down by life in the past 20 or so of their lives. Highly unattractive. Again, I am sorry your wife decided she no longer wants to have sex with you. Or maybe she was never all that interested in sex and you put up with it. Either way… no. Please go away.

A few months ago, a divorcing man who is 45 years old sent me a message. He was literally going off at me because I was looking for men who are almost half my age. Of course, you can guess he was spitting out insults at me probably faster than his wife could kick him in the nuts. That is one of the extreme example but there are others who, although less extreme at first, will build up to it once rejected. And yes, that happened to me too, the less extreme at first bit.

I told H what this divorcing 45 year old man (he looked more like 55 if you ask me) said to me and he LOLed. H said, “and he wonders why he can’t get women.”

Moving on along.

OK so this is how it is done. This friends with benefits thing especially with open relationship women.

Don’t be a dick.

You are not dealing with a wide-eyed teenager or 20-something virgin. Most likely, open relationship women have been around. Even if they have not been around as much, she is married to a person who respects and understands her needs. She is used to being put on a pedestal or somewhere close to it. I am not saying you should wine and dine her, but DON’T BE A DICK. You attract more bees with honey and all that stuff.

Don’t fucking whinge.

Leave your wife; girlfriend; pathetic life in general, behind when you leave your house to meet that open relationship woman. She does not give a fuck about your life. She has her own life problems to sort out. Also, if you are rejected even before you asked, move on. Everybody has their type. You are not hers. Nothing will change that.

Don’t ask too many goddamn questions. Ever.

Regardless if you are in your 20’s, 30’s or 40’s, and you meet somebody who is in an open marriage, just chill. Don’t ask about the details of her marriage. That is never in good taste. She will volunteer information if she feels like it. Otherwise, just shut the fuck up. You want a no-strings. You got it. She is right there in front of you. Don’t fuck it up.

Personally, I DO ask questions and actually interact to gauge chemistry. Chemistry is under-rated. You need chemistry to be friends. You definitely need chemistry to be friends with benefits. As Mitchelle Gunther puts it the other day, “amazing how chemistry works.” We were talking about how we met and connected to the persons with whom we are today. This also works with sex-only-partners.

Chemistry is most important so that you know that person gets you. For a couple of years, I put up with the lack of chemistry with Ken because he was good in the sack and I was too lazy to look for somebody who might be better in the sack. Or somebody who was just as good but with better chemistry. It was not very pretty.

Now, recently, I met somebody who “gets” me as Mitchelle Gunther puts it. I did not ask for his name. He returned the favour. But we laugh a lot just hanging out before the mood strikes again. I told him what to do, he told me what not to do (I like pushing boundaries) , that sort of thing. He is mindful of what I prefer – warm weather, thank you. He shares what he likes and wants me to do. He also bothered to re-re-read my profile and “personality” section so we could get more comfortable with each other. Most importantly, he is polite and not pushy. He is curious but understands tact.

He is friends with benefits dream come true. Until of course he finds a long-term commitment person. Then, yeah, I am fucked because – like dating for your ideal mate, the ideal friends with (chemistry) benefits are quite impossible.